I’m sure we’ve all seen some pretty dumb ass posts from Australians about our role in climate change over the last week. Just reading their arguments makes me think maybe climate change is a GOOD thing – not because their arguments hold any water, but because once we’re all dead, I won’t have to listen to their stupid shit any longer. These people are even dumber than anti-vaxxers.

But as an act of public service, I provide for you this rebuttal you can feel free to copy and paste, with or without attribution, as often as you like.

DEAR CLIMATE CHANGE DENIALIST:

First of all, stop pretending you have any respect for science. You don’t. Here’s how I know – people who respect science, listen to scientists. Not the fringe dwelling kind living under a bridge somewhere, but the consensus of scientists working in a field. Yes yes, we all understand that scientists on the fringes sometimes have good ideas – that is, in fact, how science works. But just because an idea is on the fringe doesn’t mean it’s correct. Before we accept it as being correct, it has to first be vetted by the majority of the scientists working in the field.

And the vast majority of climate scientists say your arguments about climate change are stupid. And you aren’t listening to them. So shut the fuck up and stop pretending that you give a shit about science. Fuck me sideways.

Second – we all know the human contribution to CO2 is small. And if you had paid ANY attention to the scientists, you would know that our small contribution is too much for the planet to handle. It’s like filling a bathtub to the brim with water… and then adding a small amount. The atmosphere is now, thanks to humans, overflowing with CO2. And that “small” amount has enormous consequences to life on this planet. It’s like if the overflowing bathtub was sitting on a live wire and you are standing on the floor beside it. But how did I get electrocuted? I ONLY ADDED A SMALL AMOUNT. How come you people are too stupid to STILL not know this? Fuck me sideways again.

Third – as for Australia’s contribution to CO2 levels, yes, it’s relatively small, because we have a relatively small population. But we’re also one of the largest producers of CO2 per capita. We are only 0.3% of the world’s population, yet we’re produce 1.1% of the CO2. The argument “oh we’re so small so it doesn’t matter what we do” is simply psychopathic. It’s like saying “I only committed 1% of the murders last year out of the total number of murders, so what does it matter?” If you had been around in the 1930s, I’m sure you’d be saying “we’re such a small country, what can we do about Hitler?” Fuck me sideways. You people. Listen – some Australians think we, as a nation, have a responsibility to be ethical. We aren’t great inventors – Australia didn’t invent the iPhone or Facebook – but we are a highly educated people with a lot of advantages. We’re fairly rich per capita and we have a pretty good life compared to most people on the planet. We also are the one of the world’s largest producers of coal, you know, that stuff that produces a lot of CO2. We also have a large coastline and lots of sun, hot rocks and wind that could be used to generate LOTS of green energy. So maybe we should try to pull our weight. And if we aren’t out there leading the world, showing them how it’s done, standing up and being counted, being as proud of ourselves as innovators on the climate change front as we were when we nailed a secret fin to a fucking sailboat, then we are part of the problem. YOU are part of the problem. And FUCK YOU for being that. Psychopaths.

Fourth – don’t fucking talk to me about the economic affects of trying to do something about climate change, you stupid fucking cunt. Just what do you think the fucking economic impact of the decline of coal as an export is going to be? Or the economic impact of rising temperatures and rising sea levels? Our current bushfires are NOTHING compared to what’s coming down the pipe. What is the cost of complete ecological collapse going to be? Coastlines under water. Farming completely fucked. Tourism fucked. The air and water will be fucked. How the fuck do you think the economy is going to work when we’re all fighting over the vehicle Max passed two days ago that could haul that tanker? Oh wait, you probably think you’re going to be Humungus in this scenario. But in reality you’re already proving yourself to be Toadie, Humungus’ sycophantic suck-ass. You’re already sucking on the engorged, dripping cock of the Murdoch press, so you won’t need to learn any new skills.

Fifth – you ask what could Australia’s government have done to prevent all of this? For a start, they could have taken the Garnaut report seriously. Then they could have tried to act like world leaders, not a bunch of numbnuts, sticking their heads in the sand. They could have helped the country prepare for the increasing heat and drought that Garnaut successfully predicted – you know, investing in fire-fighting and water infrastructure, that kind of stuff, instead of spending all of their energy trying to stop five people and a blind dog from getting into the country on a boat. They could have been ringing the alarm bells, at home and around the world, fighting the good fight against psychopathic behaviour from people like Trump, Murdoch and the fossil fuel industry. But they didn’t. Moron after moron has sat in the PM’s chair and done nothing, absolutely nothing, to prepare this country for the coming storm. Instead they have sucked on Murdoch’s dick. It must be getting crowded in Murdoch’s pants.

You’re embarrassing yourself. And you’re embarrassing us as a nation, because people are watching to see what we do. And you are making us all look like the deformed love children of Pauline Hanson and David Icke.

So please – do us all a favour and shut the fuck up.

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